Half-Hearted Prayer

Yesterday my prayer felt like a vapor. In reality, I didn't even think anyone was listening. In a blank and bland voice, my prayer felt tired and forced. I prayed for hope and things, and petitioned knowing it was all in vain. "Is He even up there?" I thought. I had no feeling, no desire, and I frankly didn't care if He heard because deep down inside, I new He wasn't even listening. I felt so numb and wasted. I just felt cheated somehow. I didn't even finish what I was praying about. I sighed not knowing what to do next. I looked up at the ceiling and wondered if He even cared about me. If He even truly loved me. I thought of Jesus and the cross and questioned if He wasn't just like so many others that had the same execution. I felt ashamed thinking that. I felt worse that I did before I had started to pray, but the prayer slowly faded away into the air. The prayer was filtered, sifted and finally pulverized. It had no substance or expectation. It had no potential or feeling. It felt like cold ash, useless and exhumed from the fire that used to be there. I felt like a stranger talking to a stranger. Praying to someone I didn't know and someone who didn't know me. Does He even want to know me?

The next day my prayer was answered. He had heard my prayer, He had heard my miserable petition. My prayer didn't need to feel powerful, because the power doesn't come from me, but from His Spirit. My prayer didn't need substance and feeling, because He is God no matter how I feel. He is all powerful no matter how weak I am. He has all potential even when I don't. He continues to care even when I don't care about Him or even myself.  Even when I doubt Him, He doesn't doubt me. He believes in me, even when I don't believe in myself. The fact that I may doubt His existence doesn't change the fact that He does exist.

How feeble I am! I question the Creator of the Universe and He decides not to strike me down. I would have given up on me a long time ago, but He never will give up on me.  His desire is to continue to work in me until I am a better person (Phil. 1:6). Which won't happen any time soon. Praise God, I still need Him.